It's been some time since I've done one of those blog posts from the heart- you know the kind where I just get real and if maybe it's a post more for me than an audience, and I am ok with that.
Have you ever seen the Lady Gaga interview about her emotions of the industry? She speaks openly about feeling lost in her industry, lost in her self image, and lost in what she wanted to most. Lady Gaga... could've walked away.
But Lady Gaga, as you know if you watched the Super Bowl, didn't walk away. Instead she has, if anything become more popular in the last couple month... long after her first HIT album "Poker Face," was released. She's gained audience and authenticity because she doesn't ever back down from who she is. Apology free. I respect that.
To say that I related to this interview, is just a flat out understatement. In fact, I would've sworn that Lady Gaga was actually speaking right to me.
Can we talk about this for a moment?
Let me be frank.
I forgot what I loved and who I was in the process.
For about 5 months now, I have been doing some serious praying. Even now, for the past three days, I've struggled to write this post. WHY? Because saying how you feel and admitting that you need help are just scary. (Again... working on NOT needing approval.)
But I also know that for the past three years, I have inspired and given hope. So perhaps this post will do the same. I want to be that girl again.
So let me share a little story.
Three things that happened this week in the process of remembering who I am.
1. THE ELEPHANT SAT DOWN-Tomorrow marks 2 years since being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Last night, I woke up. Sat up straight with a wave of panic. My heart was racing and my mind was trying to catch up. I was panicked at the thought of not having control of my to do list, an email I forgot to send out, a follow up I forgot to do, a feeling of "am I enough," and an absolute indescribable feeling of fear. The elephant (the fear) took residence in my mind for nearly two hours before the alarm went off and I got up to workout.
As always, my workout became a form of therapy. It does that to me. Sometimes our own worries are backed by so much insecurity that they create lies we believe.
I forgot that instead of worrying, I should be praying.
I remember now.
1. SPINNING FOR SOMETHING BIGGER-
For over three years, my workout have been done at home, in the morning before the kids awake. My husband and I tossed the gym membership when we took on a larger mortgage. I worked out at home. I got great results at home. And I keep the weight off all at home. No gym membership required.
But I forgot that I actually liked the gym.
When I gave up my classroom last year, I also gave up connecting in person with people, daily. I like talking to people in person. I LOVED leading a class. I LOV ED collaborating with others. I LOVED the culture of my middle school team. Sometimes, sitting behind a computer screen, I get a little lonely.
But I love my home workouts too. Solution? Live streaming via the Y wifi. My workouts in the gym with no guess work. DONE!
I remember now.
It took one session.
ONE session for the therapist to say, "Katy, you built a business to distract yourself from the diagnosis. You dive into philanthropy to distract yourself from the possibility that it could come back. Maybe it's the first time you've actually had a chance to digest the fact that you had cancer."
I forgot that I was the girl who fought cancer. I was the girl brave enough to fight.
And it clicked. EVERYTHING. The elephant. The void. The sadness. The connections. The spin.
The truth is, I think I need to feel some of this now because I didn't allow myself to feel it then.
I am going to be honest. I am an advocate of anything that helps you become a better version of yourself. For a long time I made the excuse, "I don't have time" for therapy, but I knew that I needed a little help.
I'm learning a lot about myself. I am learning that my desire to please everyone is absolutely taking a toll on my health. I'm learning that I NEED to start doing things that I love, and praying more for the moments that I feel the fear. I am working through a lot of it. My mom helps. My mentor helps. Mike is a saint.
I remember now.
I am learning to that FAITH is a journey. I know that I hit a pot hole after treatment. I know that HE's there but sometimes it's so dang hard to hear him. I'm learning that prayer is growth. It's a practice. It's something that I need to focus on daily.
But what I am really learning above all else, is that it's ok to want to be happy and to do this for myself not because I have to but because I want to.
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Honestly, nothing really has ever come easy for me- prayer, work, school. I work hard. Sometimes though, I need to be kinder to myself. I matter enough to take care of myself.
I remember the girl I was, but more importantly, I know the woman I am working to become.
And now I will do what's best for me.